Patient Correspondence

This letter comes from a patient who sought help primarily due to the intrusive and frightening nature of many different kinds of psychic phenomenon; She came from a loving and supportive family. No history of trauma and there was no psychotic process.

I want to begin with what I said in response during our sessions to your query about how things have changed for me.  There is something happening now that has shifted my relationship with this subject to a whole new playing field and I don’t feel like I have the words to describe what it felt like during the previous part of this process because the words I am coming up with do not have the same resonance or meaning they once did. That and I can’t really call up the feelings that I had then. It’s like I am trying to look back through a foggy mirror and trying to see clearly what was isn’t within my ability. Like the words are only an echo of the experience.

Having said that, I will do my best:

Looking back, I would say that it appeared to first  lessen the intensity and frequency with which the experiences were occurring.

( I’ll define the phenomena  to include “past life, déjà-vu, non-physical entities, intuitions, seeing energy fields, the visions of being killed by that man, etc)

But in retrospect it wasn’t lessening the experiences so much as lessening my reaction to them. And changing my experience of them from being an external event acting upon me or an external event being observed by me to something else. I cant say that they went from being externally enacted to internally enacted though my impulse in defining them was to try to view them that way, but instead I would have to say that they seemed to be emerging from a place that was both in me and not in me and even now I would say that my experience of them has changed again and that they are from a place that is neither external nor internal but a place that is both and neither.  The thing that is changing now is that the “me” is changing to something else.

To speak to the steps that this change took would be to say that my emotional reactions to them lessened followed by an increasing understanding of the lack of external place of origination. AS if I was increasing my understanding from a vertical to more in a horizontal direction  and then in a more multidirectional way.  now, in the past few weeks have come to see it as something outside of 3-dimensional understanding .

I feel like I became  more centered in myself and didn’t have to work to not get “lost” in the experiences like I did before.  The experiences had a softer quality to them – at first viewed as though the experiences were lessening in intensity but now I think it was because I was actually lessening my intensity of my reaction to them.

I feel like I lost the concept that there is was external “meaning” or significance to the experiences. That having them “said” something about me or to me or was a “sign” intending to point me in the direction I “should” have been going. Instead of me viewing it as information about “what to do” and trying to understand what it was trying to tell me in order to act, I moved to a perspective of seeing them as information about “how things are” and were intended to deepen my understanding from a place of my own motivation and not by some external force.

Then I had an experience of “nothing”  ….

And now my perception and experience of these things is changing again, in a deeper and broader way but not on the same playing field as before. As if we’ve gone from previously talking about playing marbles and jumped  to Earth plate tectonics. And even that metaphor falls flat.

To speak to neuro-feedback and my experience of how it did this . . .  I would say it lessened my  fear and yet it didn’t., I would say it opened a doorway and yet it didn’t. I don’t have the experience of it DOING anything.( Although I can tell you – and have- about the internal body sensations that I have during and after training as I sense myself trying to integrate  and re-organize itself .) I would have to say it felt like it ALLOWED something. And I don’t know what that something is. But it feels like it freed me up in some way. It did something that then allowed my fear to decrease – without my even realizing it. i didn’t have an experience of things changing- they just did.